I am soooo hoping to have my old body back after pregnancy. its becoming my worst fear, well part of my worst fears. im enjoying pregnancy but the worst is jumping into the shower, shedding off all my clothes, undoing my hair, stripping down from everything and being so vulnerable has never killed me so much. just standing there seeing how different my body has become from how perfect i had created makes me jump in the shower so quick i try not to even glance. but just as you glance you see everything and stare. the trick is not to even glance. i know its only because theres a little human inside of me, but im frightened at what ill look like after he’s out. /: i would hate to go back to that place again. i had just become happy and content with my body image for the most part. now we just have to wait and see… like 3 more months. ugh.
"the trouble with trouble is the trouble in me"
- Hope Sandoval
please dont judge my grammar
although judging my grammar is what i should be least worried about.
I’m almost scared to start writing, scared to actually see what my mind has been putting away and ignoring, hiding from me. im guilty of so many things . im guilty of being a fake and a bad friend. which really blows. looking back at the DG4L letter really makes me see what “refreshing” my soul truly needs. not that my soul is any less of perfect, but that i forget so many things. there are few people in this world that bring the magic out in me, and you are one of them. losing you, loses me. and when i lose you/ the “tides” are hiding us away from each other i become angry with you almost when really i become this logical, straight adult person and seeing you idk just makes me jealous of the magic you still have while i am left with just myself. im sorry that i do this. truly i just really miss you and myself but most importantly i miss us and what it does for me. i know that life is constant change even when we feel most stagnant and with all these changes we become two different people with different lives and priorities and sooner or later it seems like our lives never intercept each others. seeing anything to do with you scares me, i guess because i see the changes in myself and although i am very happy with the new beggenings in my life i am also ashamed to say i have let go of some magic, not even let go. i have.. forgotten to sparkle, to be magic. i hate how distant we seem now. i know nothing special of your life except that of what is posted on social media, i know no secrets, no feelings, no “journal entries”, no magic. and im an asshole for you know none of mine as well. im sorry for this. idk really where the time went. which sucks because i often find time can not move quick enough. /: i still would walk through hell for you. i still love everything about you and still think you are the most beautiful girl i have ever seen and still think you have this brain to offer that is so incredible and beyond and still think you have magic. and youre still MY bestfriend. im guilty of so many things and my throat is tightening as i write them and realize im an asshole. im not even sure youll understand some things in here but its nice to get them off my chest. i hope youre happy and i really hope you make it out to vegas or denver i can just see you there. youre too good for palm beach
miss you
love you
sorry,
honestly
